Addition, not comparison
When you start looking at someone through the lens of “better or worse,” “more or less,” you miss what makes them uniquely desirable.
Thoughts like:
“This would be perfect, if only my partner(s) liked this too”
“If only we could include the things I did with my previous partner(s)?”,
“If only my partner were more like so-an-so”.
We’re “iffing” all over ourselves and others
We want to avoid the “if’s”.
It can feel harmless, just a passing thought. But comparison changes the way you see people. Instead of experiencing them as whole, unique beings, you start holding one person up against another, and you’ll lose sight of their unique light. And in that game, no one wins.
People aren’t upgrades or replacements. They’re not different versions of the same thing, they’re entirely different worlds. They’re not here to be measured against anyone else in your life. Each person you connect with - romantically, sexually, emotionally, or even professionally - carries their own universe of desires, quirks, and beauty.
When you let go of comparison, something shifts. Relationships start to feel like addition, not subtraction.
One connection doesn’t erase another; it adds, it expands, it enriches. One person doesn’t take away from another. They add. They broaden the landscape of your experience.
A partner who loves tenderness doesn’t cancel out the one who thrives on rough play.
Someone who adores playful banter doesn’t make the one who grounds you in quiet stillness less valuable.
Attraction to a new body doesn’t diminish the beauty of the familiar ones.
When you allow people to simply be, without stacking them against each other, you create space for abundance.
It’s no longer about choosing which person, body, or kink is “better.” It’s about celebrating that each brings something only they can offer.
But I only play with one “body”
This doesn’t just apply in polyamory or multiple partnerships. Even in monogamy, comparison can quietly steal joy. If you’re wishing your partner were more like someone else, you’re missing out on who they are. And who they are is the only place intimacy can grow.
Respectful connection is built on seeing people as whole, not as stand-ins for what you think is missing. Addition, not replacement. Celebration, not comparison.
So, I should just like everyone?
No. This doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to get along with everybody. Not everyone is the right person for you. Some might not meet your preferences, share your kinks, or live according to your values, and that’s totally fine. That’s the beauty of difference, and we need to accept that.
There is something and someone for every variation out there. Move your focus to the good uniqueness of each individual, embrace the difference, and take joy in the playfulness you are able to find in the people around you.
Take a pause and ask yourself…
So next time you catch yourself thinking, “This is good, but…” pause and ask yourself:
• What am I overlooking when I compare?
• What might I discover if I stopped measuring and started marvelling?
• What does this person bring into my life that no one else could?
Respectful connection starts with presence, seeing people as whole, not as placeholders for what you think is missing. It’s addition, not replacement. Celebration, not competition.
