How overthinking made me a better dom
To be a so-called Dom, or a dominant, doesn’t mean being in complete control, or having the last word. It’s a position of trust, a state of focused pleasure, and an act of care, consideration, and understanding. In this article Respectful Kink co-founder, Tyr Nordson, shares his experiences of being a dom and how overthinking might even be a gift in partnership and care.
For many, the bedroom is a place to exhale, to step out of the roles the world expects and explore the parts of ourselves that rarely get airtime. A leader might discover the calm of surrender, someone quiet or cautious might find confidence in taking charge. For me, dominance feels like an extension of who I am elsewhere in life, but expressed through pleasure instead of productivity. It’s about bringing intention, creativity, and care into a different kind of leadership. Not to control, but to guide. Not to prove power, but to channel it in a way that invites trust, exploration, and joy.
Understanding needs
In any part of life, being “in charge” - taking control, taking the reins, being on top of the situation - comes with responsibility. You can’t just do whatever you want. You have to understand what’s wanted, needed, and communicated.
If you’re a leader at work or a captain for your sports team, your job isn’t to make impulsive decisions that serve only your own wants and needs. You bring all the factors into consideration:
Is this needed? Is this wanted? Will this benefit the people I’m leading or playing with?
You’re not there to think only for yourself. You’re there to make everything as smooth and meaningful as possible for everyone involved.
It’s no different in kink.
How can I make this exciting for the people involved? How can this progress into something wonderful?
The gift of trust
As a Dom, you carry a responsibility. You’ve been given trust and consent, and that’s one of the most valuable gifts there is, whether it’s in a company, a team, or a scene.
You learn to pay attention. To read the signals coming your way.
Why does this person seem tense? Let’s take a step back and move slower.
What was that look in their eyes? I should ask if everything’s okay.
That awareness - that ongoing conversation - is where the real power lives.
The overthinker’s lesson
I’m a self-proclaimed overthinker, and someone who likes to be in control of my surroundings. Going into kink has been a wonderful work in progress for me.
In life, I like to know what’s going on, what’s next, and what all the possible outcomes could be. It’s practical thinking in everyday life, but when I brought that part of myself into the bedroom it turned into something else: a deeper kind of care.
What’s going on? became a question of presence:
I’m here with this beautiful person who has trusted me to lead the way into mutual pleasure.What’s next? became a way to build excitement:
After spanking, I’ll surprise them with a sudden gentle kiss and touch.What could be the outcome? became a way to protect both of us:
If I keep going any longer, I’ll need to check in to make sure it’s still okay. If I stop too soon, I might pull them out of the mindspace they want to stay in.
Overthinking turned out to be a strength - as long as I used it for care, not control.
Think before, during, and after
There should always be thought behind action. Before, during, and after.
Just like in daily life, you co-create a plan with your colleagues, your teammates, your partners:
What’s the goal? What do we want to experience together? What kind of scene do we want today? Do we want power dynamics at all, or should we just play as equals for a while?
With time, trust grows. Your partner(s) might begin to rely on you to make more of the decisions. That trust is a privilege. When that happens, you carry even more responsibility to make sure everyone - including you - is having the best possible experience.
This responsibility might sound like pressure, like a workload or a set of expectations that could distract you from pleasure. But that’s not the reality. When you’re naturally dominant, responsibility doesn’t feel heavy, it feels grounding. It’s safety, not strain. The trust placed in you becomes fuel, not weight, and your good intentions only deepen through the privilege of being trusted.
Don’t leave yourself out
A Dom’s job is to hold space for others, but not to forget themselves.
You’re part of it too. You should enjoy your role, your sensations, your choices. And you should always check in with yourself.
Is this something I want? Does this feel good for me? Am I making any sacrifices I’m not comfortable with?
You can’t create a safe space for others if you’ve abandoned your own safety and pleasure. Like we talked about in Unknowingly crossing boundaries “boundaries are not walls or cages, they’re the edges that make pleasure possible”
Power with care
No matter your role - submissive, switch, or dominant - the feeling of comfort and trust should remain central. Boundaries matter. Your partner’s and your own.
As we say in Respectful Kink, power and care are inseparable.
Dominance isn’t about control. It’s about presence. It’s about holding power carefully, and using it to co-create something joyful, connected, and safe.
