10 red flags on dating sites (and what to do instead if you want respectful kink)

Dating apps can feel like treasure hunts. Sometimes you strike gold: a great conversation, shared desires, maybe even a spark of chemistry. Other times it’s more like digging through mud: blurry photos, blunt demands, and messages that make you want to throw your phone across the room.

If you’re here because you value connection, curiosity, and kink that’s rooted in respect, you need to know the signs that someone isn’t aligned with that energy. But we don’t just want to hand out “don’t do this” warnings. If you recognize yourself in any of these 🚩 moments, here’s how to turn them into green lights.

1. The opener that skips connection

🚩 “Hey sexy.” Or worse - a photo you never asked for.
Why it’s a problem: It jumps straight to objectification without showing any interest in you.
✅ Do this instead: Start with curiosity. Ask about something in their profile. “I see you’re into hiking — what’s your favorite trail?” A message that shows you noticed someone is far sexier than one that reduces them to body parts.

2. The “serve me” profile

🚩 “Looking for a sub to worship me” in the bio.
Why it’s a problem: It frames kink as unpaid emotional labor instead of co-created play.
✅ Do this instead: Write about what excites you to share. Try: “I love exploring power dynamics where I get to lead someone into their desires.” That’s an invitation, not a demand.

3. The “no limits” bravado

🚩 Declaring “no limits.”
Why it’s a problem: Everyone has limits, and pretending not to is unsafe or dishonest.
✅ Do this instead: Share your yeses and your nos. Try: “I love impact play and roleplay, but blood play isn’t for me.” Boundaries are attractive - they show you know yourself and normalise “no” for your potential play partner(s).

4. The selective reader

🚩 Ignoring what someone clearly wrote in their profile.
Why it’s a problem: It shows you’re not listening - the most basic building block of trust.
✅ Do this instead: Reference what they do want. “I noticed you’re into sensation play. I’d love to hear more about what kinds.” Listening is foreplay.

As an aside: We - Tyr and Tracy - both mention in individual dating profiles that we’re co-founders of Respectful Kink. Anyone who references that and shows that they’ve checked out the site and understand what we’re about is a definite step in the right direction! And if they demonstrate that they align with the manifesto and say how cool this site and our work is, then even better!

5. The instant escalation

🚩 Asking for nudes before even asking someone’s name.
Why it’s a problem: It skips trust, consent, and connection.
✅ Do this instead: Build rapport first. Share something playful about yourself, ask them what excites them. The hotter the anticipation, the hotter the reveal - if it ever happens.

6. The disappearing act of personality

🚩 A profile that’s just gym selfies, car selfies, or blurry bathroom shots.
Why it’s a problem: It doesn’t show who you are, just what you look like.
✅ Do this instead: Post at least one photo that captures you doing something you love. Add a line about your interests or what kind of connection you’re seeking. People want to connect with a whole human, not a torso. Write about yourself. Even if you’re a terrible writer, a friend or AI can help you craft something compelling.

7. The “discreet” deception

🚩 “Must be discreet” when what they mean is “my partner(s) don’t know I’m here.”
Why it’s a problem: It’s lying - and kink can’t thrive in dishonesty.
✅ Do this instead: Be honest about your circumstances. If you want privacy, say so. If you’re non-monogamous, say that too. You’ll attract people who actually fit your reality instead of people you have to hide from.

8. The “dom” who’s just rude

🚩 Being dismissive, bossy, or abrupt online as a way of signaling dominance.
Why it’s a problem: Rudeness isn’t dominance - it’s insecurity.
✅ Do this instead: Lead with patience. Try a message like, “I love creating experiences where I get to take charge - but only if that excites you too.” Real dominance is attentive and generous, not blunt force.

9. The rush job

🚩 Pushing to meet before any conversation has even happened.
Why it’s a problem: It shows impatience and disregard for safety.
✅ Do this instead: Suggest a low-stakes first step. “Want to hop on a call and see if there’s chemistry?” That shows eagerness and respect.

Tracy says:

I travel a lot and sometimes I’m not in a place for very long or have very limited time, but I might still want connection or play. It does mean that sometimes my “meets” are designed to get to the - ahem - action a lot faster! I try to be totally honest about that and explain why that is and check-in that the other person is okay with that. Something like “I’m only in town for two nights, and while in life I’m looking for a wide range of connections including lovely dates and partnerships, for this connection I am seeing it as a one-off and purely physical. Does that work with you?”

10. The backhanded compliment

🚩 “You’d be perfect if you…” or “you’d be hotter if you…”
Why it’s a problem: Negging is manipulation, not flirtation. Be careful with sharing unsolicited photos of you with another person. That can lead to body insecurities surfacing (and can also be another red flag that you might share photos of partners without their consent).
✅ Do this instead: Celebrate what excites you about the person. “I love that you’re confident about your limits.” “Your laugh makes me want to know more.” Genuine appreciation creates desire.

Why this all matters so much

Red flags are important to spot, but they’re also invitations: to ask how we could be doing better. Respectful kink isn’t just about what we avoid - it’s about how we show up.

So if you see yourself in any of these 🚩 moments, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, just that you have an opportunity to approach dating with more respect, curiosity, and play. And if you’re swiping through profiles? Knowing the difference between shortcuts and sincerity will help you find the kind of connection that’s actually worth your time.

Respect is sexy. Curiosity is hot. And when you bring those two together, the real fun begins.