Kink shaming vs. not understanding
Not every kink is going to be your cup of tea. Some things you hear about will make you curious, others might make you wanna laugh, and a few might make you squirm. That’s perfectly normal. You don’t have to love or want every kink that exists. What matters is how you respond to the ones that aren’t for you.
That’s where the line between not understanding a kink and shaming a kink becomes so important.
A history of shame
The stigma around kink doesn’t come out of nowhere. For centuries, desires that didn’t fit into narrow norms were demonized by religious institutions (“it’s sinful”), treated as crimes (“it’s illegal”), or classified as psychological disorders (“it’s abnormal”).
As Tina Horn writes in Why Are People Into That? A Cultural Investigation of Kink:
“Over the years the DSM has lumped fetishisms and paraphelias in with pathological compulsions towards assault and abuse. It defines exhibitionism and sadism, for example, as being fundamentally non-consensual, even though we know those interests can be - and often are - explored with partners who have complementary interests of voyeurism and masochism. The term ‘kink’ is a more colloquial version of these medical legacy terms associated with social-cultural movements that have sought to de-pathologize BDSM.”
And later in the book as she discusses the judgements piled on having a foot fetish, she makes a sharp observation about the so-called “normal/abnormal” divide:
“Few people are distressed over someone being a ‘tits guy’ or an ‘ass man’. Everyone probably has at least some degree of prejudice about which body parts are most attractive. Hands, hair, eyes, nose, ears, neck, belly buttons, legs. Fans of these parts will likely have an even more specific preference, whether it’s for long hair or deep belly buttons or thick thighs […]
Instead, [with foot fetish] we leap to panic and disgust, fear that if your partner tells you that he has a foot fetish, you’ll never get to enjoy sex that doesn’t involve toe sucking or testicle kicking. Shame that your interest in the curve of a high arch means that you’ll never be able to satisfy your partner in ‘normal’ ways. Panic that constricts the part of the mind capable of compassion.”
Her words cut to the heart of the problem: what gets labeled “abnormal” isn’t necessarily stranger or more specific than the everyday preferences most people carry. The difference is simply which desires culture decides to shame.
What kink shaming looks like
Fundamentally, kink shaming is about judgment.
“That’s disgusting.”
“Why would anyone want that?”
“People who are into that must be sick.”
Shaming reduces people to their desires and makes them feel wrong or abnormal for what excites them. The impact of shaming is serious. It feeds stigma, drives desires underground, and makes people less likely to talk openly about what they want in safe, respectful ways.
For this reason, many people in kink communities have reclaimed words like pervert and freak. What once was hurled as an insult becomes a badge of pride - a reminder that there’s nothing wrong with finding joy in what others may not understand.
What not understanding looks like
Not understanding, on the other hand, is very different. It’s curiosity without judgment. It means recognizing that a desire doesn’t resonate with you personally, while still respecting someone else’s right to have it.
“That’s not something I’d want to do, but I can see why others might.”
“I don’t fully get it, but I respect that it works for you.”
“Can you tell me more about what you enjoy about it?”
You don’t have to share someone’s kink to validate their right to have it. You don’t have to try it, like it, or even want to hear about it in detail. But there’s a huge difference between saying “That’s not for me” and saying “That’s wrong.”
Respectful ways to react to kinks
When someone trusts you enough to share a kink, treat it as a gift. Even if the kink isn’t one you understand or want for yourself, you can respond in ways that show respect and keep the door open. A simple “Thanks for sharing that with me” or “I appreciate you trusting me with this” goes a long way. If you’re curious, you might follow up with a gentle question like, “What do you enjoy about that?” or “What does that bring up for you?”
One thing worth keeping in mind: when you hear about a kink that surprises you, a natural reaction might be laughter - maybe out of shock or because it feels unexpected. But laughter can easily be misinterpreted as ridicule. To the person sharing, it may sound like you’re laughing at their desire, not just reacting to the surprise. If you find yourself laughing, pause and explain why - “I wasn’t expecting that, you caught me off guard” - and then make it clear that you’re not mocking their kink. A little clarity can make the difference between someone feeling embarrassed and someone feeling respected.
Where we draw the line
Now, we want to be clear. There are absolutely some acts that some will define as “kink” that are truly abusive. At Respectful Kink, we do not endorse:
Any act practiced without consent
Any act continued after the withdrawal of consent
Any act performed on someone incapable of consenting (such as a child, a patient, an animal, or someone coerced by those in positions of power)
Any act that causes distress to another person or being.
It may be useful to distinguish between hurt and abuse. Physical or emotional pain can be negotiated, a desired part of play - physical pain in BDSM, humiliation in role play, or medical-themed scenarios. But if these acts are done with fully informed and enthusiastic consent, then this isn’t synonymous with abuse. Abuse is about crossing boundaries, violating trust, and stripping away choice. Consensual pain or humiliation is play. Abuse is not.
Why keeping an open mind matters
Kinks are as varied as we are. They grow out of different bodies, histories, and imaginations. What lights one person up might not make sense to someone else. We’re all different, and those differences make the world of desire richer, not poorer.
Approaching kinks with an open mind doesn’t mean you’re obliged to try everything. It just means pausing before you judge. Instead of reacting with “ew,” you might try, “huh, interesting.” That small shift creates space for connection, respect, and sometimes even surprising discoveries about yourself.
Different is not wrong.
